The adoption conundrum

“Thus far, you have been adrift in the sheltered harbor of my patience,” Mr. Cobra Bubbles, the social worker from Lilo & Stitch.

Over the past three years my husband and I have been in social services adoption purgatory.
We began the process in 2009 after our second term miscarriage. Along the way we faced red tape snafus, lost paperwork and a social worker who barely communicated and blew off visits.
I used to cry from frustration and pangs of hurt over the process and our desire for a child. We watched with bittersweet joy as friends who started the process long after we did zipped through with private adoptions and brought home little ones to love.
Now that we’ve had a biological child, it feels as if social services is stalking us to adopt.
Calls are returned in a flash.
They send tons of correspondence.
They beg to visit.
The thing is, though we still strongly feel called to adopt, our experience has put a sour taste in our mouths in dealing with social services.
We’re talking about an agency that dangled the promise of two sweet little children in front of us (one of whom had severe disabilities) and a “rush” on our paperwork if we took them.
Ultimately, we turned down the placement because we felt the baby with special needs really needed a stay at home parent to advocate for him.
It was one of the toughest choices we ever made.
Sometimes I look out at the night sky and pray that those kids found a loving home with parents who are equipped to care for them.
And because the rules very fairly prevent pregnant couples from adopting through social services, any upcoming decision we make on that front will be determined, in part, by the success or failure of our upcoming IVF.
Our hearts are big enough to love a ton of kids. Our house can only accommodate two or three.
Lots to weigh in the upcoming weeks…

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About domesticpolichick

My life is a crazy jumble of sitcom-level domestic hijinks and fast-paced political reporting in the nation's capital. Breastfeeding while doing a phone interview with a senator...yep, I've done it and no, I won't reveal the name. Toddler calling a member of Congress on the cell..yeah, that really did happen. Pregnant in high heels on Capitol Hill trying to chase down a particularly grumpy senator, yeah...that was nuts. But what can I say? I'm just one domestic polichick trying to figure out the work-life balance.
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One Response to The adoption conundrum

  1. dearfriends says:

    Although you are still called to adopt (God Bless You!) perhaps you are being “led” to another opening. It’s okay to know your limitations and to know what you will want for resource help. I would recommend that you talk to a third party and have that person help you–to reduce your personal emotional trauma around social service agencies that are pushy or not listening to you, or who may disappear rather quickly. A third party person can be an therapist who works with adopted children, or a child development person who works with all types of children, or a CASA worker who knows the system. Somebody who will listen to your story, respect your concerns and knows the system that you are trying to navigate. All the best–Barb

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